the olympics

I'm currently watching a nearly identical obscenely muscular pair of Ukrainian men take a shower in teeny tiny bikini bottoms. And they just hugged. This is the closest I've ever come to gay porn. And Bob Costas comes in to ruin the moment.

The Olympics are ridiculous. And I'm all over it. Jumping up and down on the couch, crying over a fencing final, cursing at those arrogant Cuban volleyball players. This will surely be the most emotional two weeks of my life. By the way, women's water polo is the most vicious sport in history. They try to drown each other. Constantly. Pretty sure NBC cuts out the dead body collection that goes on at the bottom of the pool after a match.

A friend recently described the Olympics as the ultimate freak show. This is a perfect description. In the grand tradition of bearded ladies and red-headed midgets, people stare open-mouthed. The best part is, we can do this from the comfort of our couches. No big top tent necessary. And don't deny it, Michael Phelps is the king of the goddamn freaks. Have you seen that condor thing he does with his arms when he steps up on the block? Freak. Also, I'm pretty sure Shawn Johnson can crush my whole family with her thighs. Badass.

But it's not just the parade of freaks. It's all of the cheesy cliches that become completely acceptable during the Olympics (thank you NBC). It's the dreams coming true. The childhood dream that we all had. At 26, I'm still not ready to admit that I will never be an Olympian. I might be the best Cinderella story that Matt Lauer ever tells. It's the moments of crushing defeat. You feel it. You see the parents, the coaches, and you feel like one of them. It's the patriotism. You swell with pride watching Americans win a race or game or a match. And a little pride doesn't hurt right about now.

And it's China. Something about China is so mystical. One billion people (all of whom performed at the opening ceremonies - except for that poor little ugly girl who sang, but wasn't allowed to show her face). I find myself rooting for the Chinese athletes and fearing them at the same time. They have a combination of vulnerability and intensity that is...well, a little creepy.

And we're not even half way through. Gotta go. Condor is up.